June14

Why I Sign All of My Posts “Peace and Love”

The nice thing about having so few readers is that I can comfortably expose myself and nobody will notice.  It’s like the old question of whether a tree falling in an empty wood makes any sound.  The answer, of course, is yes.  And I know when my unedited and unfiltered Teagan Speak hits the airwaves, I make sounds too.

Tonight I am sitting at home, a little tired, finding it hard to engage.  So as usual I wonder why unlike most normal, healthy 28-year olds I am not out at some bar, or dancing, or seeing a show.  Those answers are exceptionally complicated, and it’s actually not rooted so much in my very odd anti-social behavior, which really isn’t best described as that but it is the easiest way to explain how disconnected I feel sometimes.  I am introspective today, and I am opening up inside.  That means I take to the proverbial pen.

It will surprise people to learn I was in love once.  Like truly in love.  And the effect she had on me was pretty profound.  It’s how I know when I care about people today.

Her name was Nicole.  I met her a few years ago in Manhattan, while I was going to school.  She was this amazing thing, raven hair, fawn colored eyes, shorter than me but then everyone is.  She had a fire to her, that sparked a beauty that I cannot describe.  I also haven’t found its equal.

When I met her, she was probably the last person anyone would have ever thought I would have been attracted to.  I was a hipster, a hippie, a Chucks wearing tie dyed urbanite who loved art and words and music and the gritty side of the human personality.  Nicole was a party girl.  I wasn’t a party girl.

We talked a lot back then.  Her persona always talked about the parties, and the dates, and the drinking, and the fun.  She told me she had a volatile relationship with her mother, and that she really wasn’t really sure what she wanted to do.  In short, she opened up, week after week at our little bar, and shared things with me she didn’t share with too many people, if any at all.  Week after week, I feel deeper and deeper for her, but I never said anything.

One day, New Years Eve, I invited her to my home in the West Village for a party I was having.  She said she’d come, she never did.  For a lot of reasons I lost touch with her then.  Maybe it was because I was getting into my studies.  More likely it was because I felt rejected, and my fragile personality didn’t handle it well.  But come around Memorial Day I saw her again, at the same bar I always found her in.  And again we talked.

I asked her why she didn’t show up to my party, and remember being petrified of the answer.  She told me, rather frankly it was because she was afraid she was falling in love with me.  I was shocked, but I still didn’t act.  I think I hugged her.  I know I left without doing anything.

About three weeks later, after I decided I was an idiot for not telling her how I felt, I decided to call her at work, and set something up where I might be able to do that.  I never got her, and the receptionist who answered the phone sounded a little weird about the fact that I’d called.  She didn’t know me, so I knew it couldn’t be me, but I hung up anyways, and went on about my day.  About a week later I went back to the bar, hoping I’d find her.  What I found was our bartender, who asked me if I had heard about Nicole.  Turned out a few days after I had seen her, Nicole had died in a motorcycle accident.  Not only did I not know, I also missed the funeral.

Needless to say, I was devastated.  Something died in me that day, and to this day I know it did.  I worked up the courage to write her mom a letter.  I found out how from the obituary, sent it to the funeral home and they agreed to pass it on.  I poured out everything, how Nicole had dreams, and hopes, how she loved her mom and her family, and how she hated the life she had been leading.  I ended the note by saying, “I guess now I know, too late, that I loved your daughter.”

I don’t know why I put a phone number down.  I was surprised when she called.  We had lunch and we talked about her daughter.  She gave me mementos and told me if her daughter had lived, I was the kind of girl she would have liked me to end up with.

It’s been years since Nicole died.  I still go to her grave twice a year, in June when she died and in December on or about her birthday, the 6th, and leave a single rose.  I linger there.  I talk to her.  I feel reasonably whole.

I have a lot of reasons why I struggle getting close to people, but I think despite the violence in my life, despite the illness, the principle reason for my disconnect is because of the loss I felt losing her – the loss I still feel.  I don’t open up much to people, but I opened up to her – just not enough.  And somehow I think that it’s because of that awful moment when I failed.  I failed her, when I think I could have helped her.  I failed myself because even if only in the midst of a moment, I could have had joy.

So why do I sign “Peace and Love” to all of my posts?  Peace is what I hope she has found.  I don’t believe much in a Heaven, at least not like others do, but I do like to believe she found peace.  Love is what I will always, always feel when I think of her.  I have found neither, but her memory gives me hope that one day, I will.

Peace and Love,

Teagan Ann

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June01

Untitled

My mood

I can’t hold you close and I can’t have you near
Or let you go or keep you here
And I can’t change a thing
And I can’t change your mind
Or save the day
Or go back in time
Because where we are
Is just where we are
falling farther from so far
Underneath morning sheets
Tell me
Tell me you need me

Twilight breaks and I break in two
I wake alone
And without you
So far apart
Cross your heart
And take me home
Wherever you are
Take me home wherever you are
Take me home wherever you are
So afraid
It’s okay
But I can feel you slipping more each day
it’s okay
Safe to say
I guess we both know that you weren’t going to stay

Where we are is just where we are
Falling farther from so far
Underneath midnight sheets
Tell me
Tell me you need me
Tell me
Tell me you need me
Tell me
Tell me you need me

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May31

Songs Are Playing In My Head….

My friends always tell me I have a very eclectic soul, especially when it comes to music.  By virtue of a dad whose musical tastes transcend time, mine do too.  My generation should have me listening to Pink or Kelly Clarkson, Three Doors Down and Lifehouse – and I do.  But the deeper windows into my soul lean more towards Chopin, Jimi Hendrix, Journey, and of course – Nina Simone.

I was listening to one of my more personal playlists today and as usual, was very affected by how my moods make their way into them.  The playlist is called “Lithium,” after the lead song sung by Evanescence.  There is a line in there that started my healing journey that used to define me when I first started traveling the virtual world:

“I can’t hold on to me/Wonder what’s wrong with me”

Back in the day before I seemingly ruled my world, that thought ruled me.  I was very much out of control – angry, introspective, largely unemotional, and definitely detached.  I had let all the pain I had felt throughout my late teen years consume me, and combined with my natural Brooklyn Princess sensitivities, I was called a bitch more often than I was called anything.  I had friends, but they were always kept at a comfortable distance, largely because I spent so much hard time in hospitals that I just didn’t want anyone to get close to me.  It was more for their own good than for mine.

As the years progressed, and I used the virtual world to help me cope, I found the inner strength that defines me more today.  I started realizing I needed people in my life to make it seem more complete.  I didn’t need a lover, really didn’t need a great big group of friends.  But what I did need was a core group of people around me.  To this day I still can’t define why, or for what purpose.  I do know that when I took a lover, virtually, it was more so that I could help them achieve something they lacked more than filling some empty emotional space in me.  I think that’s the time I started running things.

Along the way though I did find myself wondering, in a different way what was wrong with me.  While those I called close, like my sister Jules, seemed to desire, even crave the company of a single partner – which should be normal – I still couldn’t seem to form the kinds of emotional attachments that our species are known to need – not just want, but need.  But in that time I did realize that I at least had something to offer, beyond my anger, beyond my illness.  Yet still I wondered why I couldn’t find someone who wanted to stick around.  It brought to mind another lyric, expressive of how I viewed myself and my worth, and what I could bring to someone who decided they wanted to stay longer than 90 days:

“Don’t you know that I could make a dream that’s barely half awake come true?”

Eventually, as all things go, I did settle down, again virtually because I still feel that hipster independence and a twinge of the bitch that has defined me for so long.  Today, I know I am powerful, in a physical yet strangely practical sense, because I know people are drawn to me though I don’t know why.  I know I have built a core family, but I am still plagued by a vague sense of wondering when the next shoe will drop – it always does.  Today after having built such a core, for me as a woman but also for me as a Lady, I cannot shake that feeling of emptiness, sometimes (dare I say it?) loneliness that I think makes people want more in their lives.

It’s true.  Teagan is lonely.

People are funny.  They need people.  But I am increasingly convinced that maybe they don’t.  The inner cynic that is at the center of my soul still believes that fundamentally, they need you or want you until they get what they need, and then they just go back to being selfish.  Because the sum of it all is that I feel that people are selfish.

And so, as I sit this Friday, happily at home after weeks of the road that have taken a devastating toll on my delicate soul while strengthening my already strong nature, I sit, Comfortably Numb.

P &L

Teagan Ann

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May05

Finding Zen

In my world, it is all about finding a measure of peace.  Though I have come a long, long way dealing with my own inner demons, the fact is I am a girl who can “flip the switch” in a heartbeat, which usually means fleeing the world around me and retreating into myself again.  That’s why it is so important for me to find my Zen.

Sometimes, I find my Zen in people.  I have a very small, very core group of people that I trust enough with me that I let them own a little piece of that responsibility.  Surprisingly, some I have met, and some traipse around the virtual world with me, looking I suppose for their own measure of peace and balance.  This is a major step for me, because my ability to place any measure of trust in anyone is part of the reason I am here, studying human motivation and somehow making sense of my own world.  That’s what I call progress.

Most of the time, however I still find my Zen inside.  I am still The Original Katana Girl, and I try to practice my forms at least three times a week on that perfect quest to cleave a tatami mat twice on a single move (Good Luck Teags!), and I am deep into meditation and yoga.  Guess my time in Japan really helped me to find something that got me to realize I really did have the power inside.  The Aikido, and the yoga and the meditation frankly, force me to turn my brain off and just move, to allow Nature to overtake a rampantly overactive brain.  No matter how complex the maneuver, it has become less and less active thought, and more and more just a natural ebb and flow of my body and mind.   The feeling is…indescribable.

There is a simple beauty in Nature, and it’s one that we all belong to, and share in.  One of the things I find in my travels though is that people, including me, fight that, looking instead to spend so much time interjecting into something that was already perfect to begin with.  That’s where human drama comes from, and I am finding it is unnecessary.  People always ask me how I can be so calm about everything.  Why I can be quietly powerful without uttering a word or without the need of dramatic symbols to get people to follow.  The answer is, or has become, because I am learning to trust myself.  Amazing what happens when you do.

I’ve committed to writing now, once a week.  Guess I need to trust that too :)

P&L,

Teagan Ann

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April27

State of Being

I have a girlfriend who always asks me to write.  Her name is Elisandra, and despite being a pain in the ass, she actually spends a good deal of her day making sure she cares enough about what I do to make me do it.  So I value her alot.

Truth is I do need to write more.  There is so much going on in my head that I am sure I am missing a whole lot.  I look at people, day in and day out, and wonder what they think when they make the decisions they do.  I am not that special.  But today I had to lay into a friend who spends more time thinking she is in love with me than taking care of our friendship.  I don’t understand that.  It seems to me that the best thing we do to change the world is outside of us, yet we all seem to focus on what’s inside of us.  In my head that is wrong thinking.

I’ve always said our biggest barrier to being happy is ourselves.  I think it’s actually selfishness.  Look a little more outside and see that our own wants don’t compare to others’ needs.  Then we might get somewhere.

And thank you Eli for making me write.

Peace and Luv,TAA

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April03

Beginnings

I am pretty sure this is a worn out title on my blogs.  But after a long time searching for a new platform, I am back – likely with no readers but I am back.  Thank you to Elisandra for inspiring me to write again.

So I haven’t written in a while.  Call it laziness, or a Brooklyn girl’s constant search for the perfect place to fulfill her dreams.  Truth is I have just been busy, and I have spent more time on my book than anything.  But this post is to signal that I am back.

Why now?  Because I feel like I am in another new beginning.  So many things have happened.  I have lived and I have lost.  As we all do.  I took some time off from my pursuits to find myself again.  And I did.  Somehow in that I find myself reborn.

There will be more here, from time to time, as I feel like I have so much to say.  In the meantime, Teagan is here to share her experiences in the worlds, both real and virtual, hoping everyone can learn a little something from it.  As I continue to do.

P&L

T

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December25

Happy New Year/Necessity

This is a post originally from NYE 2007.  I’m sharing it with Dela, Shelly, Ally and Garret on Christmas 2011.

P&L

Teagan Ann

Happy New Year/Necessity
As the official xox Family Blogger and the unofficial chronicler of all things RLC life, I needed to write something for the end of the year that summed up, well, everything. I struggled with it because I am just that way. I wanted to find something worthwhile to say, and I couldn’t. Then I ran into Atheena.

Athy was leading a group of us girls in an underwater hula-hooping contest and we got to chatting. She knew I was struggling and as usual, reached out as a friend and helped me through it. She helped me to understand, in her very unassuming way, the real nature of who we are and why we’re here – not just in RLC but everywhere. She probably didn’t even know she did it. Now she does.

Everyone wants to matter. We all need to be necessary. To someone, to a group of someones. Or to something that matters to us. Without it, we die, slowly from the inside out, until we are little more than shells to be kicked around and played with. No one, not even the more popular or arrogant or cool cat out there is immune to it. We all need to matter.

I find in here that I do matter. My place in this crazy world is to connect with people, identify with their greatest hopes and fears, and help them to realize or to shake them. I identify with the soul inside these avatars, and find ways to translate the distance between them and the ones outside. I question sometimes, despite the feedback, how effective I am at it, but the fact remains that is what I DO in here. And it helps to define me.

So I become, as Athy told me, necessary to my sisters, and my friends. Sometimes, as MacDevil has told me, its even to a stranger. There I have living, breathing examples of what I can do if I try, and somewhere in there is my hope. Because it isn’t an avatar interacting with these people. It’s me, Teagan Ann, taking the time to help people heal or have fun or whatever it is that they do, and if she matters in here, then she matters everywhere. She just has to.

People often talk to me of the masks they wear in here which brings out the new and surprising personalities. But I question, whether its the mask we put on when we come in here, or, as I have seen in so many cases, the mask we take off when we leave the other world. Either way speaks of such a potential to grow, and to be whole, and live and breathe the crisp cool air or watch a glorious sunrise and be at peace. Finding the mask, and breaking it down…we can all do that. For ourselves and for the people we love.

I am necessary. And so are you. So as we leave behind another year, and march into 2008, take a little comfort in that. For yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is another day. But its the choices we make today that make all the difference.

I love you ALL! Happy New Year!

Peace and Luv,
Teagan Ann

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September15

Pain

There’s something funny about people.  As much as I have watched over the last 3-4 years, I never cease to be amazed at the complexity of the human mind, or the human heart.  I have a mind (a pretty good one), though I sometimes wonder if I have much of a heart.  Maybe that’s my disconnect :)

People spend so much time being hurt.  Not meaning that they are actually hurt, I just mean that once they are, they hold on to it.  I have to admit I don’t understand that.  Hurting sucks, and yet when the drama comes in, I find people spend days if not weeks revisiting it so that somehow it just stays in the forefront.  I think that’s a little odd.

It makes me wonder.  Do we hold on to pain, the visible aspects of pain, so that we remain relevant in the eyes of others?  Or do we hold onto it because we actually like the brazen rush of emotion that comes with feeling something different?  Either way I guess it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.

Life can’t be about pain.  It can’t be about being a victim, which ultimately is what those who hold onto drama are being.  I know when I look at my own life, the pain I have felt from time to time…I dunno my life is about leaving it behind.  I rarely re-visit it, unless it is in the guise of writing, which is more like sharing.  I don’t bring it up in day to day conversation, I don’t trash those who’ve hurt daily.  Unless of course it’s about payback which is very rare.  You really have to do something stupid for me to waste my time doing that.

Our petty dramas are just that – petty.  Half the time people are “hurt” I wonder where your balls are.  Move on people.  Life is too short to fuck with stupid shit.

P&L

TAA

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September08

She Has Returneth

Sometimes life gets in the way of my art.  I call it my art because art is little more than the expression of what is in our hearts.  My words come from my heart, as anyone who has read me can realize.  Anyways, I’m back.

I’ve been traveling A LOT.  So much so that my normal outlets (including this blog) have fallen by the wayside for the summer.  Sue me…everyone gets to enjoy a summer :)

That being said it is difficult to build a following when you’re not writing anything.  I apologize for being so absent.  I plan on at least one entry a week from here on out.  Plus I have some exciting things going on surrounding my ultimate goal….my book.

I have been writing it somewhat frequently.  Seems I have a lot inside that doesn’t translate well into a blog.  So chapter after chapter I am writing the Story of Teagan.  It’s actually very interesting, of course I’ve lived it so the history lesson is kinda revealing, to me.  I still hope that once you get through the shock value of some of my stories, you’ll find it valuable too.

So just wanted to say hi :) More to follow.

Soon :)

P&L

TAA

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June09

Zen

So it is no secret I am having a bad week.  Despite my Zen I have internalized it, personalized it – and not been very Zen.  Call it grief or call it humanity, the news of a friend’s passing made me regress.  I broke things, I smoked too many cigarettes, and I considered the value of jumping off of a balcony once or twice.  Not a good week.

But that’s me.  I struggle so much letting people in.  I also rant, and I go off rails that most people don’t know they have.  I have few boundaries because I really don’t care what people think about me.  I used to think it was mostly because I’ve been so afraid of the consequences for others in befriending me, the risk of loss I guess.  I’m beginning to think it’s actually my fear of losing others.

I guess when I look at it there’s a stark reality I have been unable or unwilling to face.  See, this is my Zen.  A lot of people think being Zen means letting life roll along realizing we are just a small part of it.  Right now I am thinking that who we are in the middle of all that – and not fighting it – is what Zen is really about.  At least my Zen.  I have so many things that are wrong about who I am in the eyes of others, and in my own eyes.  This week my focus is on my inability to really connect with people.  Today, I am embracing that.  Alone for me doesn’t mean lonely, and it doesn’t mean I am defective.

But as I travel this world, especially the virtual one I realize that people struggle with that.  They become things that they really aren’t, and that is a problem.  Not for me but whether they realize it or not, it is for them.  I may be a bitch, but I am authentic.  People know what they get from me because I am who I am, anywhere I am, every day I exist.

I guess when I look at my week I find I can appreciate that.  I only hope others can look deep in themselves and ask if they can to, for themselves.

P&L

Teagan Ann

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